asshole lyrics – denis leary

folks, i’d like to sing a song about the american dream
about me, about you
about the way our american hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
about that special feeling we get in the c*ckles of our hearts
maybe below the c*ckles,
maybe in the sub c*ckle area,
maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
maybe even in the colon, we don’t know

i’m just a regular joe, with a regular job
i’m your average white, suburbanite slob
i like football and p*rno and books about war
i got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
my wife and my job, my kids and my car
my feet on my table, and a cuban cigar

but sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
no i gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense
(whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
i drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
while people behind me are going insane

i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, what an *sshole)
i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, such an *sshole)

i use public toilets and i p*ss on the seat
i walk around in the summer time saying “how about this heat?”

i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, what an *sshole)
i’m an *sshole (he’s the world’s biggest *sshole)

sometimes i park in handicapped sp*ces
while handicapped people make handicapped faces

i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, what an *sshole)
i’m an *sshole (he’s a real f*cking *sshole)

maybe i shouldn’t be singing this song
ranting and raving and carrying on
maybe they’re right when they tell me i’m wrong…

i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, what an *sshole)
i’m an *sshole (he’s the world’s biggest *sshole)

you know what i’m gonna do?
i’m gonna get myself a 1967 cadillac eldorado convertible
hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
and all leather cow interior
and big brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah)
and i’m gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
gettin’ 1 mile per gallon,
sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from mcdonald’s
in the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
and when i’m done sucking down those greaseball burgers
i’m gonna wipe my mouth with the american flag
and then i’m gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
and there ain’t a godd*mn thing anybody can do about it
you know why, because we’ve got the bomb, that’s why
two words, nuclear f*cking weapons, ok?
russia, germany, romania, they can have all the democracy they want
they can have a big democracy cakewalk
right through the middle of tiananmen square
and it won’t make a lick of difference
because we’ve got the bombs, ok?
john wayne’s not dead, he’s frozen
and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
we’re gonna thaw out the duke and he’s gonna be pretty p*ssed off
you know why
have you ever taken a cold shower?
well multiply that by 15 million times
that’s how p*ssed off the duke’s gonna be!
i’m gonna get the duke, and john c*ssavetes
and lee marvin, and sam peckinpah, and a case of whiskey
and drive down to texas and

(hey! you know, you really are an *sshole!)
why don’t you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
i’m an *sshole (he’s an *sshole, what an *sshole)
i’m an *sshole (he’s the world’s biggest *sshole)


i’m an *sshole and i’m proud of it

/ denis leary lyrics